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The winter months are upon us, and with it comes holiday celebrations with family and friends. If you’re like me, the thought of the holidays makes you cringe because you know it can be such an overwhelming time for your loved ones living with autism.

We feel tense about the crowds, the food choices, the opportunities for quiet, the relatives that want hugs and come barging through the door quickly, rattling nerves. We wonder what triggers we anticipate and head off in advance and what triggers will be unexpected. I know my youngest son will eat two things from the Thanksgiving menu every year: two bites of ham and all the yeast rolls he can shove in his mouth before the other guests see them. I know he’s going to struggle with being around family members who, even as adults, don’t understand how to use “an inside voice.”  My daughter is going to struggle with the anticipation of the day. She gets anxious when her routine is different and there’s something unfamiliar or rarely takes place.

We celebrate Christmas and that is a challenge of its own. I think we can all agree that much like birthdays, there are a lot of big emotions when we have the excitement of gifts added to a gathering. The pressure of being patient and waiting for one’s turn is hard. Honoring the order of events when visiting someone’s home may be a challenge. If Grandma wants to do dinner first, then wash dishes, followed by dessert and finally gifts, we can see tears, high energy, frustration, jumping, pacing, and big feelings. So, how do we make holidays stop being cringe-worthy and start embracing them?

First, we remember to breathe! Life in general is hectic and busy, especially during the holidays. It is important to remember to show ourselves some grace. We may get overwhelmed ourselves and we won’t be able to make everyone happy or everything perfect.

Visual schedules, even for our adults on the spectrum, can be very helpful. Visual schedules can look like picture cards or task lists. These schedules are important as they set the expectations for the day. Imagine if we were told that we had a meeting in five minutes but no details. We would be unaware of who is going to be at the meeting, what we need for preparation, where the meeting is, or how we should dress. We would be a little stressed to say the least. I use this example to illustrate what it feels like for our loved ones when expectations for the day are not presented to them.  Having a visual schedule to review ahead of time gives them a chance to prepare, ask questions, and know the expectations for the day ahead.

Social stories, or social narratives, are another fabulous way to illustrate what’s ahead. Social stories lay out a clear step-by-step plan for what is going to happen, and it’s okay to create our own social story where we can include pictures of people who will be attending the day’s event. This opens a door to address who may be attending, who may be the louder individuals in the group, or who may be unfamiliar.

One of the key things we tend to forget over the holiday season is that it is okay to advocate for our family’s needs. We are the voice for our children and their needs. We can generally gauge when a situation is just going to be too much. If Grandma won’t compromise on dishes and dessert before gifts, then it’s okay to say, “I love you, and I want to honor our family traditions. Please know that schedule makes it very difficult for your grandchild not to feel overwhelmed. Since we want this to be the best Christmas experience for everyone, what if we bring dessert and join the festivities then? That will make things a lot less stressful for my family.”

I know that someone may read this and think “our grandma would never go for that.” I don’t know your family routines and traditions, I don’t know your grandmother or aunt or any of the family members you may be discussing holiday alterations with, but I do know that there are a few crucial things happening in this scenario. I know that we are responsible for being the calm in the chaos and helping prevent the chaos whenever we can. Not everyone has to be happy with us, and we may get some rough feedback from uncompromising family members, but it’s okay. We can have tougher skin if that’s what we need to protect the mental health of our family. Our family members on the spectrum are just as capable of having a positive holiday experience with the right support and compromise in place.  While traditions are important, we also can make amazing memories with alterations to those traditions.

At no point should we feel it’s our responsibility to compromise our loved ones’ needs. We are all created differently, and we don’t fit in the same mold, We regularly make the adaptations necessary to welcome and include everyone. The holiday season should be no different. There is enough stress and pressure over the holidays – we don’t need to add more to our plate. Remember that you know your loved one the best, and their needs should be respected.

The Autism Society of North Carolina’s Autism Resource Specialists are available to support you as you prepare for the holiday season and anytime throughout the year and can help you find the resources you need to support your family.  If you are not already part of our support groups, please visit our Support Group webpage to find a support group close to you. This is an amazing way to connect with other parents and families on the spectrum.

If you have a grandparent or family member who would like to learn more about autism and how to support your family, I offer a grandparent workshop. Families can send an email to me, Cindy Martin, at cmartin@autismsociety-nc.org for more information about the workshop schedule.

 

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