My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We have seven boys ages 20 down to three, one of whom has autism. Parenting an autistic child can be challenging and can strain other relationships in your life, particularly your marriage or romantic partnership.
Our marriage has weathered many storms—parenting two children with special needs, miscarriages, loss of parents, and the loss of a child. We have sought help over the years in therapy and learned so much about how to be better together as we navigate daily life with a child with autism. I want to share a few things we have learned.
See your partner as a teammate.
When life gets hard, we sometimes perceive those closest to us as the cause of our difficulties. This can be especially true as you work together while parenting an autistic child. It is easy to see your partner as an opponent instead of your teammate and ally. Romantic partners often see each other at their worst, losing sight of each other’s positive traits and why they fell in love in the first place. A helpful daily practice to change this mindset is to think of a positive trait you appreciate about your partner and share that with them, preferably in a text or note. This simple habit shows your partner how much you appreciate them and helps train your brain to see the positive instead of the negative. Then you can more easily see them as for you and not against you in the hard moments of life.
Work to get on the same page.
One of the biggest challenges I face, which I also see in families I talk with each week, is having a difference of opinion with my husband on parenting issues. This is magnified by 10-fold when parenting our child with autism. With so many opinions out there regarding best practices for autism, it is easy for overwhelmed parents to find themselves unable to agree on what is best for their child. This can cause stress and exacerbate existing issues if the child feels that parents are not consistent in the way they approach situations. It is important to educate yourselves as parents about autism and decide ahead of time how you will handle certain foreseeable situations. My husband and I regularly sit down to talk about recurring situations with our son and how to handle them going forward. That way, when we are in the situation, we know what to do. This is particularly important in high stress situations like tantrums, meltdowns, and elopement. When we are in times of stress, our decision-making abilities go offline in our brains, so that is not a suitable time to come up with a plan. Before a situation happens, when you are calm, sit down and come up with a plan to handle the situation. This will help you more easily function as teammates in the moment. There is also a wonderful library of webinars on our website to help you and your partner learn more about autism, including helpful strategies for parenting, so be sure to check them out!
Take care of yourselves and your relationship.
It is more difficult to care for your child if you are not in good health – mentally, emotionally, or physically. Parenting an autistic child if you are under stress because of issues within your marriage or partnership. Parents of all children need to make it a priority to care for themselves, particularly parents of children with a high level of need due to challenges such as autism. Self-care goes beyond meeting one’s basic needs. For example, showering is not self-care. That is a basic human need. Self-care is taking time to do something you love that brings you joy and fulfillment. For some, self-care is a hobby or going out with a friend. Self-care is therapy. Self-care is exercise. Partners can empower each other by finding ways to allow each other time and resources to do self-care. Equally as important is prioritizing your relationship. I know personally how hard this is for parents of kids with an elevated level of need. However, it is crucial to the long-term success of your relationship. Take time out each day to prioritize your partner. Make a list of things you can do each day to make one another feel valued. Some examples could be sending a nice text to your partner, making them coffee each morning, or a kiss goodbye when they leave. Make a list of long-term things you can do to prioritize your relationship. Some examples could be date night each week, a trip away from the kids together, relationship coaching or therapy, relationship retreats, or finding another couple who understand what you are going through to mentor you. We have done all those things over the years, and it has made all the difference.
Parenting kids with autism is hard, no doubt about it. It takes a toll on your relationship, but there are achievable steps you can take to make that relationship with your partner stronger. You do not just have to survive – you can thrive!
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